… And Big Brother 47: Hobo Alley will be right back after these messages …
(start adventurous-sounding theme music)
Scene: fade in to Generic Wizard throwing Generic Nuclear Armageddon XVIII at some Generic monster-like thing.
Narrator: Is your High Elf Archmage tired of running the same old instances, over and over and over again?
Geek Chorus: Yes!
Scene: cut in that final scene from Star Wars IX, where Sith Lord Luke stands gloating over that scene-stealing Han Solo’s smouldering corpse… yes, pay the royalties, it’s worth it.
Narrator: Is your Sith Lord looking for a fresh new alternate reality to subjugate and repress?
Geek Chorus: Yes!
Scene: Montage of scenes from 20 year old MMOs. Sure, throw the latest screenshots from “UO:Reloaded, Yes, Again” in there, too. Amazing. -Still- fits right in…
Narrator: Tired of the same old, same old, but turned off from today’s hot new MMOs by the thought of losing all the time and effort you put into your WoW:Armageddon Redux 2150th level Orc Shaman?
Geek Chorus: Yes! Yes! Yes!
Lone Loser, in background, whinily: Mine’s only 2147th…
Scene: Narrator, in tux, booth babe on each arm, speaking excitedly to camera. No, the other kind of excited. The pron site commercial is next week.
Narrator: We have the ANSWER!
(crescendo theme music)
Narrator: Try New SEQUEL! The ultimate solution is at your command!
Scene: quick trip through various low level game play paradigms. Play up the Orkin Man angle.
No more starting over! No more grinding 10 rats, bats, cats, zats, or other minor vermin! No more begging to be power-leveled just so you can /ignore others begging for the same!
Scene: Scientists in Lab Coats, discussing nuclear psychics or whatever. Maybe throw in a shot of our investors poring over our latest progress report… that should telegraph “concerned concentration”, eh?
Narrator: Our trained, professional staff will analyze your current characters in ANY MMO and translate them automatically into a SEQUEL-compliant duplicate. Then you can take your beloved character and explore any of our many wonderful alternate realities…
(crescendo, then fade music)
Scenes: show the designated “OMFG, there went half the budget” factor shot for each setting, then cut to the “excited geek player” professing geek-i-tude.
Announcer: “SEQUEL: Fantasy!”
Female Voiceover (teen hottie in generic elf costume): “Elf Ears! OOOO! I mean, how distinguished…”
Announcer: “SEQUEL: Sci-Fi!”
Male Voiceover (buff astronaut, in Trek-like costume, watch those Paramount trademarks!): “Vulcan Ears! OOOO! I mean, how logical…”
Announcer: “SEQUEL: Cyberpunk!”
Female Voiceover (unleashed librarian fantasy/gadget gal with iPod, iPhone, iTablet, i-whatever-the-hell else they’ve got now): “iProsthetics Audial Enhancement Modules! OOOO! I mean, how useful…”
Announcer: “SEQUEL: Booya!”
Male Voiceover (Marine/Special Forces hunk, with latest military hardware): “Elves AND Vulcans AND Cyberpunks, oh my! I mean, Target Rich Environment…”
Scene: Back to narrator with booth babes. Linger, camera 1… linger…
(crescendo music throughout wrap-up… stay just short of “concrete shattering fortissimo”, k?)
Narrator: SEQUEL! Remember the name, come play the game. SEQUEL! Say it with me!
Geek Chorus, Booth Babes, and Narrator, shouting with excitement (shout, not scream!): SEQUEL!
Double-speed legalese jibberish, muted volume, while the viewers ears are recovering: Offer void where prohibited. Not available in all states. Product may cause nausea, depression, and fits of homicidal rage. Side effects are expected. No Returns or Refunds. Do not take with alcohol. Use at your own risk. NSFW. YASD. YMMV. All Rights Reserved.
… Stay Tuned For A Very Special Friends: The Golden Years after this program. And Now Back To Big Brother 47: Hobo Alley …